48. I Would Never Leave a Plastic Bag Filled with Dog Shit in a Red Eye Newspaper Bin

I would just like to make on thing perfectly clear: If I was walking my dog, and my dog did his “business,” and there were no garbage cans to be found on the sidewalk, and there was nothing but a Red Eye newspaper bin, there is no way I would ever in a million years simply leave the plastic bag of dog shit in said Red Eye newspaper bin.
The Red Eye provides an important service in the cause of a functioning democracy–the dissemination of important information required to keep the public informed and educated about current events that have a direct and lasting impact on their day-do-day lives–and what kind of message would I be unintentionally sending by leaving a plastic bag filled with dog shit on top of a stack of Red Eye newspapers? I suppose someone would see a direct correlation between the plastic bag of dog shit and the content of the newspaper, and that would be a terrible correlation to make, and that’s why I would never in a million years do such a thing.

And what about the loyal readers of Red Eye in my neighborhood who turn to Red Eye to get their journalistic who, what, where, when, and why? They probably wouldn’t want to grab a copy of the paper if there was a plastic bag of dog shit in the bin. They’d spend the day clueless and ignorant to what’s happening in the world they live in. They’d go an entire day without seeing those great punny headlines on their front page. It wouldn’t be right, so, again, let me just stress: I would never leave a plastic bag filled with dog shit in a Red Eye newspaper bin.

The freedom of the press is sacrosanct in this country. Without newspapers like Red Eye keeping our leaders’ feet to the proverbial fire, this would be a really messed up city filled with leaders who think they can get away with pretty much anything. I guess all I’m trying to say here is that–hey–maybe you have a dog, and–hey–maybe you’ve been in the situation where your dog does his “business” and there aren’t any garbage cans around and all there is is a Red Eye newspaper bin. I know what you’re thinking, and let me tell you: No. Don’t leave a plastic bag of dog shit in a Red Eye newspaper bin. I’m begging you. Don’t. Do. It.