25. Normal Florida News

by suededenimfiresale

My parents are growing a lime tree. The limes are starting to come in. When they’re good and ripe, I hope my Mom makes a key lime pie.

Our server’s name was Nancy, and she said she would be taking care of us today. She asked us if we would like to start off with something to drink. I said I would like a sweet tea. When she brought the sweet tea, the cup was so big, my hand couldn’t fit around it!

Today, the traffic was bad on the major roads between the hours of 4PM and 7PM, but after that, it wasn’t so bad. There are some bottlenecks here and there from some of the stop lights, but nothing that will adversely impact your commute that much.

It’s tough to get a seat at First Watch on Sunday mornings. Everybody’s getting out of church, and when you get out of church, you think about the coffee and omelettes they serve there.

Orange County, Florida, is trending “blue.”

The produce section of the average Publix Supermarket is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing. The stacked avocados alone, that shade of green, it’s so exquisite. The heirloom tomatoes, the cherry tomatoes, the plum tomatoes…it’s all so perfect! Nothing is spoiled. Nothing is shriveled and pathetic. The “organic” selection is diverse and plentiful, if that’s something you’re interested in.

A woman in the parking lot who drives a white Honda Civic placed a cardboard sunshade across the inside of her windshield. The cardboard sunshade had a drawing of a pair of sunglasses, so the car looked like it was wearing “shades!”

A caucasian teen boy prepared for a party he was going to attend by listening to “hip hop” music.

I have a friend who I have known for twenty-eight years now whose air conditioner unit had problems. This happened last week, and since it’s summer, and it’s summer in Florida, I don’t think you have to try too hard to imagine how hot it can get this time of year down there. Anyway, as a way to take his mind off of this, he made a Spotify playlist. He later sent it to me because he thought I would like it. It covered a lot of ground—everything from the Stooges to Isaac Hayes to 13th Floor Elevators to Neu! To Xavier Cugat. Among many others. I really enjoyed it.

Last night, once again, the citizens of Volusia County who own beachfront property dimmed their lights after sunset, so the sea turtles aren’t confused about which way to go. Everybody does this, no matter what their beliefs are about whatever. Everybody has an opinion on Florida—especially those who have never lived there—but if you really consider the ramifications of this united gesture, as small as it is—you can’t help but feel a bigger connection to the world, to nature, and to this place you live, have lived, or are visiting.

Today at lunch, a day laborer chugged three mini-bottles of vodka in one of the port-o-lets of the construction site.

 Some of the people drove pick-up trucks to work today.

 A quirky gentleman driving a Volkswagen Jetta has a bumper sticker on the back of his vehicle that reads, “HONK IF YOU LOVE SILENCE.”

The classic rock station totally got the Led out this evening.

A depressed teenage girl is starting to enjoy the music of The Cure.

The Food Court at the Mall did a brisk amount of business this weekend.

Almost all of the flights arriving into Orlando International Airport (MCO) got in on time today. None of them crashed. So there’s that.

Like everywhere, the politicians did a bunch of shitty things.

My parents played golf today. My Dad had a great day out there and shot a 2 under. My Mom’s game is improving with every round she plays, and she shot a 5 over.

 My seven-year-old niece will be starting school again soon.

The fondue restaurant on State Road 434 totally used to be a Denny’s that my friends and I would “goof off” at “back in the day.” It’s funny, because it’s a nicer restaurant—fondue and all—but you can still totally tell that it used to be a Denny’s. Which reminds me of the sports bar that’s on State Road 436; you can totally tell that that used to be a Long John Silver’s.

In Key West, a Russian taxi driver took a newly-married couple starting their honeymoon from Key West International Airport (EYW) to their luxury hotel at the end of Duvall Street right there on the water and everything.

A bunch of pelicans flew overhead in a row. Dude, it was SICK!

In today’s “Beetle Bailey,” Beetle was taking a nap—yet again!—when he should have been guarding the barracks. The Sarge got mad and yelled “Beetle!!!” Beetle woke up. The punch line was pretty good.

Several dozen men woke up this morning realizing that they weren’t actually in love with the strippers they were spending time and money on last night.

A clerk asked a customer “How are you?” but didn’t really mean it.

A man in a vehicle waiting at a stop light “waved” in another vehicle driven by a woman trying to turn right into traffic from the JoAnn Fabrics parking lot. The woman waved back, as if to say, “Thank you for letting me pull onto the road.”

An intoxicated man at the bar gave voice to all of his opinions last night. Friends said the man really “told it like it is.”


The Hot Boiled P-Nuts vendor at the beach did pretty alright for himself this weekend. Nothing to write home about, but still.

This was outside of Jacksonville. This dude couldn’t sleep last night, so he turned on the TV. “Sanford and Son” was on. Fred was upset because Lamont was dating a Puerto Rican woman. Fred asked Lamont, “Have you been smoking those el jointos again?” He then called his son a “dummy,” and then faked a heart attack. The man chuckled, then went to sleep, right there on his loveseat.

At Band Camp last week, the three freshmen crash cymbal players learned how to play “The Star Spangled Banner.” Well, the cymbal part, anyway, but without the crash cymbals in that number, what do you have?

Douchebags acted like douchebags. It sucked, and unfortunately, this behavior doesn’t only happen in the Sunshine State. Wait a second…you didn’t actually think that…the turds in your state don’t stink? Seriously?!

Shamu totally killed it yesterday. Simply put: One of his best performances.

On the roads, the tourists weren’t the best at driving. Let’s put it that way.

The wacky morning show on the radio had a lot to say about: Lindsay Lohan, Anthony Wiener, and the YouTube video about the cat.

The manatees lived to see another day.

Is that a robot? No, silly! It’s one of the performers at Mallory Square in Key West, entertaining passersby at sunset.

Across the state, the sunset broke hearts, it was so beautiful. It’s the same sun everyone sees everywhere, yes, but down there, over the Gulf, or over the Intercoastal Waterway, or dappled through the foliage, sinking behind lakes, condos, retention ponds, roads, rivers, state parks, national parks, theme parks, it’s an intensely vibrant orange hue through pink clouds.

A lot of people really improved their boogie boarding this summer. Way to go, boogie boarders!

The landscapers and pool guys, the roofers and exterminators, the contractors and sub-contractors, the carpenters and drywall hangers….everybody worked hard this week. Same goes with the managers, the bartenders, the busboys, the tour guides, the park rangers, the clerks, the little league coaches, the deep sea fishermen, the data entry operators, the copywriters…too many occupations to name….but they did their jobs and to that we say, “Thank you!”

Chameleons skittered across the screens enclosing back patios all across the state.

Did you see those egrets? That was pretty cool.

Misty water fell from the ceiling and kept the outdoor patrons cool, well, as cool as you can be this time of year!

It looks like rain, but who knows.