20: WHAT TO DO IN THE EVENT OF FINDING A VINTAGE COPY OF FLEETWOOD MAC’S “RUMOURS” IN YOUR MA’S BASEMENT
1. Remain calm.
2. Briefly indulge in idle fantasies re: what you will do with the large sum of money you shall receive for this nearly priceless artifact. A timeshare in Fort Myers, Florida. A luxury pontoon boat. Nice cheese.
3. Remain oblivious to the fact that there are only roughly forty million copies of this album on our planet.
4. Remain oblivious to the water damage, scratches, and that musty smell of the album you hold in your hands.
5. Immediately call your nearest record store and inform them of your discovery.
6. Make your anecdote concerning your discovery as longwinded and as seemingly pointless as possible, and please, for the love of God, mention several times how you found this copy of “Rumours” in your Ma’s basement while you were doing some cleaning, and there it was, in a Jewels-Oscos paper bag containing just that and a VHS copy of “Buns of Steel.”
7. Re: Long-Playing Vinyl Records. Please ask, at least once, “Dey still make dose?”
8. Keep your proverbial cards close to your proverbial vest. You are sitting on a gold mine. Casually get down to brass tacks, by posing the Big Question by saying something along the order of, “Yeah, so uh, how much should I expect to get for somethin’ like dis?”
9. Keep your trade options open. Mention in an offhand manner how you’re thinkin’ about puttin’ it up on yer cousin’s Ebay account, but ya thought you’d ya know support a local business before taking dis copy of “Rooo-merrrrs” into the global marketplace.
10. Think about it some more, and recall how your kid brother has some records in his basement that’re just collectin’ dust—yer Supertraimps, yer Uh-tah-mick Roooosters, yer Bahhhz Skaaaaigs, yer Yerriiuh Heeps, and maybe even somethin’ by yer Beeetullls ya ever hearda dem heh heh?
11. Prepare for intense negotiations.
12. Consider a contingency plan/prepare to have your bubble burst.
13. Enjoy the ride. Players only love you when they’re playin’.