Story #14–The General’s Final Speech: August 19, 1981
To My Esteemed Citizens of Irkutsk:
It is with a heavy heart and a wearied mind that I announce, effective immediately, I will be stepping down as your leader. This broadcast, from an undisclosed basement, will be my last.
To our north and east, the Blue Army of Chad has ten battalions stationed in the Yakutsk Province, and five battalions stationed in the Kamchatka Province. To the south, The Green Army of Charlie has seven armies stationed in the former Dave’s Republic of Mongolia. Even now, the idea of the Mongolian people suffering under the annexation of what has come to be known as “Chuckville” fills me with nausea and anger. To the west, The Yellow Army of Kyle has nine battalions of infantry awaiting the order to cross the border and conquer our beloved Irkutsk motherland. While I have always maintained that our soldiers are the finest in the world, our last battalion, one lonely roman numeral one, tattered and torn, bloodied yet unbowed in the face of such betrayal and tyranny, cannot and must not attempt what would be, in the face of these insurmountable odds, a suicide mission. This loss of life must cease.
O’, Army of Dave, I beseech thee! Lay down your arms, and return to your families. Your service to the people of Irkutsk shall never be forgotten.
And so it goes. A once-mighty empire extending from Japan to Scandinavia, from Ural to Madagascar, is relegated to the dry dusty pages of history. While I mourn those brave men and women who gave their lives in service to The Kingdom of Dave, I shall never forget their valor in the Battle of Congo, or how Lady Luck spurred us on to one die roll of victory in the fierce fighting in the Battle of Ukraine. We fought and we died in courage, gallantry, and fortitude. While there is a tremendous temptation to give into anger and vengeance over the deceit and duplicity inherent in Chuckville’s signing of The Treaty of Siam, in which two so-called comrades pledged to work together to crush the Armies of Chad and Kyle, I can wholeheartedly assert that their hollow victories gleaned from such betrayal and chicanery will ultimately prove to their detriment, as Chuckville joins The Kingdom of Dave in eternal oblivion.
But no matter, o’ my kind and decent people of this blessed Irkustskian homeland. No matter which of these three Armies conquers your land, know—now and forever-that you have conquered my heart and soul, and I can only hope and pray that you will always look to me as your One True Leader during these dark and dreary times.
For the time being, I have been granted asylum in the Rolling Acres subdivision of Peoria, Illinois—in the Eastern United States province, at the home of my parents, where I intend to live out my days as an exile, composing my memoirs, and monitoring these tumultuous events as they unfold, until such time as The Dukes of Hazzard is broadcast on our television. I begrudgingly thank Lord Chad for granting me this asylum, despite the fact that he wages war in the manner befitting a real dick. But such is war, is it not, people of Irkutsk?
I can hear the enemy’s armies converging, rumbling ever-so-closer. The end of the Kingdom of Dave is nigh. My rations—my IBC Root Beer and Pringles—have been reduced to drops and crumbs. I am being summoned to the helicopter that will take me away from you, my beloved Irkutsk. In conclusion, I can only humbly admonish you to continue the one true good and the one true holy fight. Resist and reject your conquerors, and when you go to sleep at night, rest assured that while these fleeting battles have been lost, Irkutsk shall rise like the phoenix and win this war for world domination.
Thank you, and may God bless you, and may God bless the Kingdom of Dave.