Story #11: America’s Got Irony!

by suededenimfiresale

“HOLY CRAP, THIS IS EXCITING! IT’S TIME FOR THE GREATEST TELEVISION PROGRAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD, AMERICA’S GOT IRONY! PUT THOSE HANDS TOGETHER AND GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO OUR HOST, ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, MISTER AWESOME HIMSELF, ALEX TREBEK….PSYCH! BOY, THE LOOK ON YOUR FACES! OK, HERE HE IS, THE ALWAYS WONDERFUL…LLOYD CHANNING!”

“THANKS, JOHNNY. ISN’T OUR ANNOUNCER, LIKE, TOTALLY AWESOME? IT’S LIKE: ROCK AND ROLLLLL!!!! THRILL YOUR SOUL! YEAH! I LOVE IT SO MUCH! WELCOME TO TONIGHT’S BITCHIN’ EPISODE OF AMERICA’S GOT IRONY, WHERE, AS YOU DISCERNING AND HIGHLY EDUCATED VIEWERS KNOW, WE’RE HAVING OUR FINAL EPISODE OF THE SEASON! YEAH. GREAT. OUR TWO FINALISTS ARE HERE TO COMPETE TO BE THE MOST. IRONIC. PERSON. EVER. …AND WIN OUR GRAND PRIZE, A TRIP FOR TWO IN LATE JANUARY TO THE MOST VIBRANT AND THRILLING CITY IN THESE UNITED STATES….INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA! BOY, DOES THAT SOUND EXCITING!

“SO LET’S MEET OUR TWO LIKE SOOOOOO COOL AND FUN TO BE WITH FINALISTS. OUR FIRST CONTESTANT IS AN INCREDIBLY INTERESTING AND REALLY NOT INSANELY SELF-ABSORBED AT ALL MEMBER OF THE MILLENNIAL GENERATION FROM THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY IN COLUMBUS, OHIO…PLEASE WELCOME….ALLIE ELLSWORTH!”

“THANKS, AMERICA! IT’S SO GREAT TO BE HERE! THIS COUNTRY, LIKE, TOTALLY ROCKS AND SHIT. AMERICA, I WANT TO BONE YOU!”

“HEY, ALLIE, WAIT A MINUTE, SEXY, SAVE IT FOR THE GAME!”

“OH I WILL, MAAAAAN!”

“YOU BETTER, MY FRIEND, AND HEY! LOVE YOUR NEW GLASSES! THEY’RE SO BIG!”

“OH THANK YOU SO MUCH! I REALLY LOVE THEM TOO!”

“YEAH, YOU LOOK LIKE THAT SMOKIN’ HOT JOYCE CAROL OATES WITH THOSE THINGS! WHAT AN ALLURING LOOK!”

“YEAH? YA WANNA BONE MY GLASSES?!”

“TO THE MAX, BABY! TO. THE. MAXIMUM. BUT BEFORE I DO THAT…”

“WOW, WHAT A GREAT SEGUE, LLOYD…”

“I KNOW! ANYWAY, BEFORE I BONE THOSE JOYCE CAROL OATES GLASSES ALL NIGHT LONG, PLEASE WELCOME OUR SECOND FINALIST, A PROUD MEMBER OF GENERATION X—THE GENERATION THAT GAVE US GREAT STUFF LIKE COMBAT BOOTS COMBINED WITH CUT-OFF SHORTS, THE MUSIC OF CANDLEBOX, AND THE TIMELESS LITERATURE OF DOUGLAS COUPLAND, PLEASE PLEASE OH PRETTY PLEASE WELCOME, FROM THE UKRANIAN VILLAGE NEIGHBORHOOD IN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS….DAVE MARKESON! “

“HI LLOYD, YOU SEXY BEAST, YOU. I’M REALLY HOPING I WIN, BUT I WORRY ABOUT RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO DO IN INDIANAPOLIS, YA FEEL ME, DOG?”

“OH, DAVE, YOUR BULLSHIT NEVER GETS OLD. SATAN! YEAH! I’M TOTALLY FLASHING DEVIL HORNS RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO PLAY! AMERICA’S! GOT! IRONY!

“OK…..EACH CONTESTANT HAS ONE MINUTE TO SPEAK EXTEMPORANEOUSLY AND IRONICALLY ABOUT A TOPIC I HAVE HERE ON THESE SWEET-SWEET CARDS I HOLD IN MY HARDWORKING HANDS. ALLIE, WE’LL START WITH YOUR FINE ASS. YOUR TOPIC OF DISCUSSION IS……THE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT CARL’S JR. THAT’S RIGHT: THE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT…CARL’S JR. YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE, ALLIE, SO START…RIGHT….FUCKING…NOW.”

“OK…UM….UM….CARL’S JR. IS SO GREAT. I LOVE IT SOOOOO MUCH. IT’S MY FAVORITE FOR SURE. TOTES. UM…UM…LIKE, IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN EATING THERE OR AT SOME FIVE STAR RESTAURANT WHERE THE CHEF KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND THE SERVICE WAS PERFECT AND I COULD GET FREE REFILLS FROM EXPENSIVE BOTTLES OF WINE, LIKE, I’D STILL GO TO CARL’S JR., BECAUSE THAT’S HOW MUCH I LOVE IT. I LOVE THEIR DOUBLE WESTERN BACON CHEESEBURGER, BECAUSE I’M SURE IT’S NOT FATTENING AND HEART ATTACK INDUCING AT ALL, SO I LIKE TO EAT THREE AT A TIME AT LUNCH SO WHEN I GO HOME MY DORM ROOM SMELLS LIKE FRIED GREASY DEATH MIXED WITH THE ROTTEN EGG WINO TURD STENCH OF MY ASS AND—OH, HOW MY ROOMIES LOVE THAT SMELL! AND I CHASE THAT DOWN WITH A COUPLE ORDERS OF LARGE FRIES AND AN EXTRA LARGE CHOCOLATE SHAKE, BECAUSE—AS THE GREAT JOHN COUGAR MELLONCAMP ONCE SANG—AIN’T THAT AMERICA, HOME OF THE FREE!—AND YOU KNOW DURING MOMENTS LIKE THESE, I’M SURE CARL’S SENIOR IS LOOKING DOWN FROM HEAVEN WITH COLONEL SANDERS AND JIMI HENDRIX AND HE MUST BE PROUD, YA KNOW? HE’S SHEDDING A TEAR—TEAR’S IN HEAVEN!, LIKE THE GREAT SONG—AND I NEVER WORRY ABOUT FITTING INTO MY AMERICAN APPAREL BODYSUITS AND ROMPERS AFTER I DOWN A HEARTY AND NUTRITIOUS MEAL AT GOOD OL’ CARL’S JR……AND I’M SURE THE BOYS LOVE BACON RANCH DRESSING STAINS ALL OVER ME….IT’S LIKE: HOT WITH TWO T’S SEXY WITH THREE X’S, RIGHT? “

“I’M OH SO SORRY, ALLIE, BUT YOUR TIME IS UP!”

“OH. SHUCKS AND FIDDLESTICKS.”

“I KNOW, RIGHT? YOU STARTED SLOW, BUT ONCE YOU GOT GOING, YOU PROVED WHY YOU’RE A FINALIST ON AMERICA’S GOT IRONY!”

“DO YOU MEAN THAT?”

“WHAT DO YOUTHINK, BEE-YOTCH! OK….NOW LET’S TURN TO OUR DEAR FRIEND DAVE. DAVE, YOUR TOPIC OF IRONICAL AND EXTEMPORANEOUS DISCUSSION IS…….THE MUSIC OF BELLE AND SEBASTIAN. THE MUSIC OF BELLE AND SEBASTIAN. HERE WE GO, DAVE, YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE , AND IT STARTS RIGHT…FUCKING…NOW.”

“YOU KNOW, I FANCY MYSELF A LOVER—A CONNOISEIUR IF YOU WILL—OF TWEE-TONED LIMPID LILY-LIVERED MEANINGLESS TRA-LA-LA, AND THAT’S WHY THE MUSIC OF BELLE AND SEBASTIAN MEANS SO…SO…VERY MUCH TO ME. SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, YOU JUST GET THAT HANKERING, FOR SOMETHING BORING AND SELF-CONSCIOUSLY ARTISTIC IN A FLAT AND DRAB KINDA WAY. IT MUST BE GREAT POP MUSIC, BECAUSE THEY USED INSTRUMENTS LIKE TRUMPETS AND TIMPANIS AND VIOLINS AND SHIT. NO, PLEASE, TURN OFF THE STOOGES, I’D RATHER LISTEN TO BELLE AND SEBASTIAN, BECAUSE, AS EVERYBODY KNOWS, STARS OF TRACK AND FIELD ARE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE THEM OF RIPPING OFF NICO, OR ANYBODY ELSE? IT WAS THE NINETIES PAL, AN ERA OF UNPRECEDENTED ORIGINALITY AND AWESOMENESS. IT WAS LITERALLY AMAZING. IT AMAZED, LITERALLY. BOO-YAH! SHOW ME THE MONEY! MONEY BABY! MARTINIS! BOWLING SHIRTS! SWINGERS! VEGAS! RAT PACK! BELLE AND SEBASTIAN! ROCK AND ROLL COLA WARS! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! SOME LIKE BELLE MORE, BUT ME, I’M MORE OF A FAN OF SEBASTIAN’S WORK. BUT THAT’S JUST ME. BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE HERE THAT THEIR COVER OF “WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?” IS THE BEST.”

“AW MAN, WHAT A TOTAL AND COMPLETE BUMMER, BUT DAVE MY FRIEND, WE ARE OUT OF TIME. BUT HEY: YOUR FREE ASSOCIATIONS THERE IN THE MIDDLE…IT WAS LIKE BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF AMERICA’S FAVORITE FUNNYMAN, MISTER ROBIN WILLIAMS.”

“OH GOSH. YOU’RE COMPARING ME TO MRS. DOUBTFIRE HIMSELF? UM: FLATTERED!”

“OK, SO NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU SKINNY PEOPLE AT HOME WATCHING THIS AWARD-WINNING ENTERTAINMENT TO VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE. PICK UP THAT PHONE OF YOURS THAT YOU DON’T WASTE ENOUGH TIME WITH, AND CALL THE 800 NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN.

“DIAL ONE IF YOU ARE SINCERELY VOTING FOR ALLIE, DIAL TWO IF YOU ARE IRONICALLY VOTING FOR ALLIE, DIAL THREE IF YOU ARE SINCERELY VOTING FOR DAVE, AND DIAL FOUR IF YOU ARE IRONICALLY VOTING FOR DAVE.

“OH MY, BUT THIS IS EXCITING! IN JUST TWENTY-FOUR HOURS, WE WILL ANNOUNCE THE WINNER. HOW CAN YOU STAND THE SUSPENSE?! UNTIL THEN, THIS IS LLOYD CHANNING, AND BEHALF OF ALL OF US HERE ON AMERICA’S GOT IRONY…..YOU’RE THE BEST!”

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