Story #6: Banter From the “Zephyrhills Citrus-Max Vitamin Water Extreme Stage” of the Hillsborough County Fairgrounds

by suededenimfiresale

HOW’S EVERYBODY DOIN’ TONIGHT….TAM-PUHHHHH!!!!

WHOA YEAH! LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN. WE HEAR YOU LIKE TO DO THREE THINGS HERE IN….TAM-PUHHHHH!!!! YOU LIKE TUH…FUCK! YOU LIKE TUH…EAT PUSSY!!! AND YOU LIKE TUH….EAT MORE PUSSSSAYYYY!!!!! YEAH!

ALL RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

IT’S GREAT TO BE HERE AT THUH…HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS! SO I KNOW THAT, UH, FROM A TECHNICAL STANDPOINT! THIS ISN’T WITHIN…TAM-PUHHHH! AND THAT IT’S ACTUALLY…UH…BRANDON, FLORIDUHHHHH! BUT STILL, IT’S REALLY FUCKIN’ GREAT TO BE HERE PARTYIN’ WITH YOU THIS CLOSE TO….TAM-PUHHHHH!!!!

LET ME ASK YOU A LITTLE SOMETHIN’, TAMPA, FLORIDA. HOW MANY OF YOU REMEMBER THE ROCKIN’ TIME WE HAD BACK IN 1987 WHEN WE PLAYED TAMPA STADIUM THE WEEK OUR ALBUM, A LITTLE SOMETHIN’ CALLED “DEVIL IN FISHNETS” WENT ALL THE WAY UP TO NUMBER ONE ON THE ALBUM CHARTS! YEAH! TRIPLE PLATINUM! WHOO!

AND HOW MANY OF YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE ROCKED THE LAKELAND CIVIC CENTER OVER THERE IN LAKELAND, FLORIDA BACK IN 1988, WHEN OUR SECOND ALBUM, “HIGH HEEL TO YOUR MASTER,” MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO NUMBER FOURTEEN IN THE BILLBOARD ALBUM CHARTS! TALKIN’ GOLD, BABY! OWWW!

YEAH! AND I KNOW THEY SAY THAT WAS OUR PEAK, BUT YOU ASK ME, TWENTY-FOUR YEARS LATER! WE’RE STILL PLAYIN’ FOR….THE BEST FANS IN THE FUCKING WORLD!

YEEEEEEEEAHHHHYEAHHHHHYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

WHOO!

THOSE WERE THE DAYS THOSE WERE THE DAYS! WE’RE GONNA PLAY A LITTLE SONG YOU MIGHT KNOW IN JUST A MINUTE, BUT SINCE I’VE BEEN DRINKING THIS HERE BOTTLE OF JACK DANIEL’S ALL THE WAY THROUGH AND, TO BE HONEST WHICHOO, I THINK IT’S KINDA REACTING STRANGELY WITH MY….ANTI-DEPRESSANTS! WHOA YEAH! AND SINCE I’M THE ONLY ORIGINAL MEMBER OF THE BAND LEFT, I’D LIKE TO MAYBE ASK YOU SOMETHIN’….TAM-PUHHHH!!! MAYBE PICK YOUR BRAIN AND GET SOME ADVICE. BECAUSE, WHO’S BETTER AT GIVING ADVICE THAN THE PARTY PEOPLE….OF…TAMPUHHHHH!!! I’VE PLAYED ORLANDOHHHHH….I’VE PLAYED…KISS-SIM-MEEE….AND I’VE EVEN PLAYED HI-UH-LEAH!!!! BUT TAMPA, YOU ROCK, SO LISTEN UP.

NOW…TAMPA, I KNOW YOU LIKE TO ROCK AND I LIKE TO ROCK, AND MAYBE WE DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER PERSONALLY, BUT I THOUGHT WE COULD TALK, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW HOW I ASKED HOW YOU WERE DOIN’ TONIGHT?

WELL, I MEAN IT, TAMPA. HOW ARE YOU? HOW YA HOLDIN’ UP? ARE YOU LIKE ME? I MEAN, I KNOW YOU STILL LIKE TO ROCK, BUT DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE GETTIN OLD? I MEAN, I LIKE TO ROCK TO THIS DAY, BUT SOMETIMES, I DON’T LIKE TO ROCK AS MUCH AS I USED TO! SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO SIT AT HOME AND LISTEN TO POST BEBOP JAZZ FROM THE LIKES OF….CHICK COREA! WHILE READING SHORT STORIES BY….JOYCE! CAROL! OATES! YEAH!

SOMETIMES, I JUST WANT TO GO CAMPING WITH MY KIDS, BECAUSE THEY DON’T LIKE TO ROCK, BECAUSE THEY JUST JOINED THE PROMISE KEEPERS, SO YOU KNOW THEY DON’T LIKE TO PARTY AT ALL! NO!

MY BACK HURTS! I CAN’T DRINK AND SMOKE AS MUCH AS I USED TO BECAUSE…IT GIVES ME THE ASTHMA! AND SHIT, TAM-PUHHH! WE WERE THE NUMBER ONE SELLING BAND IN THE SUMMER OF 1987, AND NOW? WE’RE OPENING FOR THAT ASSHOLE WHO HAD THAT ONE HIT “SHE’S SO HIGH ABOVE ME” LIKE TEN YEARS AGO. SONG SUCKS!

THESE ARE TOUGH TIMES, TAMPA, FLORIDA, AND NOT LIKE OUR HIGH FLYIN’ TIMES IN THE 1980’S, AND I AINT’ TRYIN TO BE A….DEBBIE DOWNER! NO!

ALL IT IS I’M TRYIN’ TO SAY HERE, AND I THINK SOME OF YOU ARE LIKE CLOSER TO MY AGE AND HAVE BEEN PARTYIN HARD LIKE ME SO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT, IT’S JUST THAT, I KNOW I’VE ALWAYS MAINTAINED THAT PARTYIN CAN GET YOU THROUGH ANYTHING BE IT THE GOOD TIMES THE BAD TIMES AND ALL THOSE TIMES IN BETWEEN, BUT AFTER FOUR BROKEN MARRIAGES, KIDS WHO WON’T TALK TO ME, KIDS WHO PREFER TALKING TO JESUS YOUTH MINISTERS PREACHING ABSTINANCE THAN THEY DO TALKING TO ME, KIDS WHO THINK I’M SOME KIND OF JOKE WHEN ALL I’M TRYIN TO DO IS MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY WITH MY ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC….AND I KNOW THE SPANDEX DOESN’T FIT LIKE IT USED TO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY AND LAY OFF THE MEAT AND THE….FRIED FOOOOODS…AFTER ALL THAT, I DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO KEEP ON ROCKIN’ AND I DON’T KNOW IF ROCKIN AND PARTYIN IS THE CURE ALL TO ALL THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS! NO!

NOW, DON’T BOO ME, TAMPA! I’M JUST TRYIN TO LEVEL WHICHOO, CUZ I KNOW, THIS ECONOMY HAS NOT BEEN KIND! IT’S HARD MAKIN ENDS MEET, AND I KNOW YOUR KIDS DON’T LIKE TO ROCK THE WAY WE LIKE TO ROCK. AND THAT’S FINE! ALL I’M TRYIN TO SAY HERE, TAMPA, IS THAT, I LIKE TO ROCK AND WE LIKE TO ROCK, BUT THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN ROCKIN.

I DON’T KNOW, I MEAN, LATELY, I’VE BEEN FINDING OTHER HOBBIES BESIDES ROCKIN. I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT I LIKE JACK DANIELS AND LOOSE WOMEN! WHOA YEAH! BUT HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW THAT LATELY I’VE BEEN GETTING INTO SAMPLING BORDEAUX VARIETALS WHILE PLAYING CHESS AGAINST MY NEIGHBOR THORVALD ! IT’S ALL TRUE, TAMPA, FLORIDA! I EVEN LEARNED A LITTLE SOMETHIN’ CALLED THUH…CARO-KANN DEFENSE! CHECKMATE, MUTHAFUCKUHHHHHHHHS!

BUT I DIGRESS, HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS. WAIT  WAIT. DON’T LEAVE! ALL I’M TRYIN TO SAY TO YOU IS THAT I REALLY DO LOVE YOU, TAMPA FLORIDA, AND I HOPE YOU’RE KEEPIN IT TOGETHER IN THESE TOUGH TIMES. I HOPE YOU’VE FOUND DEEP FULFILLMENT IN YOUR LIVES AND YOUR LOVES, AND THAT YOUR CAREER AND FAMILY LIFE GIVE YOU DEEP FULFILLMENT AS YOU GO INTUH….MIDDLE AGE! ALLLL RIIIIIIGHT!

SO ANYWAY, HERE’S A LITTLE SONG YOU MIGHT REMEMBER…IT’S CALLED…..”HOLLYWOOD! PENETRATION!!!!”

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